dream of my late father...

last nite, before closing my eyes, my mind suddenly flashed back to the day before my father passed away...and the thoughts make me cry yet again....

have you ever experience a dream like i did?? i often dreams that my father wasn't dead. that, him being dead is actually a dream. in that dream, i dreamt that he died and when i woke up, he's still very much alive. and i smile, thinking that it was just a dream. then only i woke up for real. this time, the feeling of him being alive still lingers. and i believe that dream to be real. 

i felt relieve knowing that my father is still alive. but then, as time passes by, i began to think of what was real and what was not. when i recalled all that has happened these few years back, only then i realized that i have been dreaming. my father did passed away.

i would then sit by a corner and cried my heart out. nobody knew that i have been dreaming like this. it happens for a few times already. and everytime, i would believe in that dream. i don't know why.

after he died, i went away from home. and i wouldn't come back for a few months. it was hard. i kept seeing him in every corner of the house. it took me a while to get used to the idea of not having him around anymore. before he died, i would live my life as i wanted to. i was not worried at all. even though i live independently, i always felt that i had nothing to worry about as long as he live.

now that he's gone, i felt the burden as i don't have anyone to depend onto anymore. i felt lonelier than before. and the pain would not just go away. it stays there and i don't think it will fade. it became too unbearable. i don't think i could handle another death in my family. that's why i have been praying that i would die first so that i would not experience the same feeling again. i know it's selfish, but if you never know how's the feeling of loosing someone, then you have no idea what i'm talking about.

i prayed that nobody would have to go through with what i've been through but i know it's impossible. everybody dies. and the living have to accept that and continue living with the grief. i don't know till when i'll keep having this dream. maybe it's my own way of dealing with my grief unconsciously. maybe. 

maybe i'll be able to accept his death someday. and maybe at that time, this dream would go away for good. maybe.