seeing an entry like that, mostly people would think that it's about a lover, isn't it?? but, truthfully, it's about my family. my mother and my brothers particularly. i've enough headache thinking about them and this morning, my twin sis put some more into it. she's had a hard time living with my mom and my younger brother. i know how hard it is coz i've been through what she's been through now. maybe not in the same situation but i understood the feeling. i hate to think that she's suffering there and there's no way i could help. i even swore to myself, if i had enough money, i'll take her and her children and we'll leave this place for good. not coming back ever. not going to help them ever again. sure i would still continue to support my mom, even though she loves her sons more than us. what irritates me and breaking my heart even more is the fact that none of her sons had done anything for her. not even monthly support and they acts like we're the one who's living off our mother.

my brothers never saw us as their siblings, but rather a place to get money. whenever they ask for money, they want it, never asking how we were doing. never knew how tough our life is, coz what matters to them is, they'll get what they want. what to do?? it's the way they were raised. my mom would never say no to them. if we borrowed some money, she'll tell it to everybody, but when my brothers do, she'll act like nothing happens. wanna know why?? because she says that the prayer of a son worth more than a daughter. her sons are her responsibility, not her daughters. i have been surviving all by myself, works my ass off but never been asked whether i had problems getting on with my life. i never told my mom anything because i don't want to burden her. i gave everything for her, but what do i get?? nothing.

i'm sad, frustrated and angry. she would always backed her sons whenever there's a problem. but not us. and she would trust other people than us (me & my twin). it hurts me a lot. really. and she blames me for it. i can never told anybody bout it. i can never told a soul how hard life is for me. and my heart is aching more and more.

come to think about it, my twin sis & i have always been like an outsider, like an outcast. do you know how it felt like when your sister act like she doesn't know you whenever you bump into each other at school?? we did. we never asks any of our friend to come over to our house, not once, but they never asks us why. instead, they make their own assumptions and accuses us for being ashamed of our family. if only they know why.

we were never matters to our family. our well being never been given second thought. it's all about the others. i wonder why they had us when we do not matter to them?? my childhood was a nightmare. and i grew up being like this. full of bitter, angry, sad and frustrated. that is why, i want to forget about everything and live the rest of my life at a place where nobody knows me. i want to live quietly and never want to think of those of didn't even give a damn about me.

i swear, i will get the hell out of here, and i'll never turn back....

this is it...

the end.

fin.

or is it not???

i wonder...

i wanted to run away.....when i do, i will not come back...this heart have hurt enough..the ironic thing is, the people who have hurt me share the same blood that's running through my vein....they are the same people who are supposedly connected with me in my whole 29 years of existence. family, is what they are called.

what is family?? i'm not sure i know what that means. if it means, being selfish to one another, no sort of care feeling, except when you are in trouble, or to treat one daughter different from the other, or to give a son all that you have and not a daughter, then i guess i know what family is. ever since i can remember, i've been treated differently from other sibling, like i have no value at all. i don't know why, don't ask me. i've been searching for the answer since long ago, but never found it. 

still, i can't look away when my mom have problems. i can't even make my heart a bit cruel. not to any of them. guess i still am starving for their affection. stupid me. i am suffocating here, with all those feeling and resentment i have towards them, but still i can't say anything. i couldn't bring myself to treat them like they did to me. for my heart won't let me.

when i sleep at night and dream of them, i would unconsciously cried and cried till i woke up. it is too painful. and everyday, when i'm not doing anything, i would think about this. i feel like dying. that is why i love movies too much. coz i can cry and laugh and feel things that i'm not able to feel when i'm back to reality. it's good to be lost in fantasy. reality is too damn hard. and i wanted to run away more than ever.

truth is, i just want to live. i want to run away to a place where nobody knows me. of myself and my past. so i can start over, and not feeling sorry for myself. why is the opportunity never came, i wonder??

i want to live and be happy....can i??

i have just finished watching The Secret Reunion, the one that i've mentioned earlier in my previous entry. i am sooooo very satisfied wz it. my god, he was so brilliant in that movie. he succeeded in portraying the character and really live it up to my expectations. 

to think of it, i believe that he was the first korean actor that i really look up to. there are many good looking korean actors out there, but i never really think them more than pretty faces, except for won bin of course. and he is now, on top of my list...


there's so many things that i didn't know about him, but in time, i will surely gather all the information i need. not that i really wanna dig. it's just that, with his good acting, i don't think i need to know more. all i need to know is that, whatever character he plays, he will surely brings them out well.


i'm not talking about just 1 or 2 movies here. he really did well, i must confess, in all of his role.i really love the fact that he did not scare of doing movies that did not show him as a goody-two-shoes boy or just a pretty face boy with i-dont-care-attitude. he challenged himself in a serious role, be it the good guy or the bad bastard.

did i praise him too much?? well, i think he deserve it. every single of it. and yeah, btw, he won the best actor award last year for his latest film, psychic, which i am eagerly waiting for now.


he's the same age of me, but since he's older by few months, i can call him oppa. but seriously, i really want to be older than him, so that he can call me noona instead. hahahahhahhaha......


for oppa, continue your good work and i'll be waiting for your next brilliant performance....


saranghae, oppa...!!! (i know it sounds corny, but hey, i do love him!!!)

beautiful smile

that's his name...yes, he's my latest craze...

he's a famous korean actor and model. erm, i don't want to tell about his background but you can find it here. he's a very talented actor and i must say that i didn't really find him interesting before, even though i have watch 1% of Anything some time ago . But then, as i 'stroll' around the net looking for korean movies, i found Psychic, which is still considered as a new movie, even though it was out last November. That movie sparks my intrigue, and from then on, like they say, is history.

i began collecting all of his movies and dramas, which i am proud to say i got hold most of it already. i only need 2 more movies, which is Psychic & The Secret Reunion. These 2 film is a bit hard to get since it's still new and considering that i download everything from the net... huhuhuhuhu.....i'm sorry oppa, but i'm going to find them all in DVD's soon..

my beautiful oppa....

well, what do i say about him?? he is someone who i would not call handsome, but rather beautiful.. his face remind me of a character from japanese manga... and i tell you, not many man can be consider as beautiful, but amazingly, he is.. his voice, very manly and i really love his voice. i don't know how to put it, but whenever he opens his mouth, he just captivate me..

hm.......;)

and yes, the most important is, his movies are definitely very worth watching. to me, even if an actor is handsome enough to make me go weak in the knees, if he didn't deliver his character in a movie, then i would not bother to watch it. and so far, i gladly say that he does not disappointed me yet, and i hope never.

love this pic....

i am now waiting patiently for another wonderful performance by him, be it in a drama or in a movie. and i am gonna be loyal to him.

well, since it's a new year, i wanna starts afresh wz a new blog...

my previous blog has been invade by humongous creature and thus, it has to be put to rest...till when, i don't know...

okay jie....let us enjoy this new blog just like you enjoy life dreaming of those-you-know-who.....hehehehhehe....