last nite, before closing my eyes, my mind suddenly flashed back to the day before my father passed away...and the thoughts make me cry yet again....

have you ever experience a dream like i did?? i often dreams that my father wasn't dead. that, him being dead is actually a dream. in that dream, i dreamt that he died and when i woke up, he's still very much alive. and i smile, thinking that it was just a dream. then only i woke up for real. this time, the feeling of him being alive still lingers. and i believe that dream to be real. 

i felt relieve knowing that my father is still alive. but then, as time passes by, i began to think of what was real and what was not. when i recalled all that has happened these few years back, only then i realized that i have been dreaming. my father did passed away.

i would then sit by a corner and cried my heart out. nobody knew that i have been dreaming like this. it happens for a few times already. and everytime, i would believe in that dream. i don't know why.

after he died, i went away from home. and i wouldn't come back for a few months. it was hard. i kept seeing him in every corner of the house. it took me a while to get used to the idea of not having him around anymore. before he died, i would live my life as i wanted to. i was not worried at all. even though i live independently, i always felt that i had nothing to worry about as long as he live.

now that he's gone, i felt the burden as i don't have anyone to depend onto anymore. i felt lonelier than before. and the pain would not just go away. it stays there and i don't think it will fade. it became too unbearable. i don't think i could handle another death in my family. that's why i have been praying that i would die first so that i would not experience the same feeling again. i know it's selfish, but if you never know how's the feeling of loosing someone, then you have no idea what i'm talking about.

i prayed that nobody would have to go through with what i've been through but i know it's impossible. everybody dies. and the living have to accept that and continue living with the grief. i don't know till when i'll keep having this dream. maybe it's my own way of dealing with my grief unconsciously. maybe. 

maybe i'll be able to accept his death someday. and maybe at that time, this dream would go away for good. maybe.        

my second entry for today..

been wanting to post about this great show but always either busy or forget about it...well, what can i say, i'm leading a very hectic schedule nowadays....

okay, enough chit chat and let's move on to the main point. i believe most Kpop lovers would know about this entertainment show. Star King is a korean entertainment program in which people with unique talents shows up and let the world knows of what they can do.

this show is hosted by none other than Kang Ho Dong, who is one of the famous host in South Korea. And he is helped by Super Junior Leeteuk(Teukkie)and Eunhyuk(Hyukkie), who acted as co-host for the show. MC Boom used to be the co-host, but since his entry to the military in 2009, the role has shifted to both dear Teukkie & Hyukkie.

I must admit that the sole reason for me to watch this show before has been because of Super Junior. But now, i've grown fond of the shows because of the kids that showed up in the show. they are just too adorable and melted my heart right away...

other than that, the Super Junior antics are too funny to turn away from and the show are just awesome. for those who did not know where to find the show, try youtube or visit these sites : http://ithetimes.wordpress.com/category/star-king/ & http://www.super-legacy.com/. You sure are gonna love it..!!!

have fun with Star King!!!!!!!!!!1

this entry is dedicated to my dear girlfriend, Nanadonz...

i am totally grateful that our path crossed and that we became good friend. she is someone who is very dear to me, who always says the right thing, very mature, totally a caring person and she's damn funny too.

i remember too well of our memories together. of the nights we spend enjoying ourselves, of the long talks we had, of the secret we shared, of the fights we had......everything...

she is a special person and i trust, will always be...i can't say too much of our time together, for it is too private. but all i want to say is how much i love her and treasure her..

i wish that she will get all the best things in life; which she already did and be happy always..

na, i love you girl and i know you're gonna be a great mom...

love, hugs & kisses...

my dear nana.......

infinity of sound - i don't know if any of you have heard of this triplet group before but i had a chance of encounter with them when i was watching Super Junior in Star King few days ago. 

i haven't gather enough information about this group, but here is what i can find about them. their style of music is very unique and really kept me glued to the screen. and not to mention of their soothing voice. 

these are their pix :

and this is where our first encounter is...i can't upload the vid as it's taking too long and i haven't got all day...

what do you think? very mesmerizing, rite??

i guess i fell in love with them as i love music so much... especially one which is unique and have a disctinctive personality in them..

i will try to find out more about their music and will post it here again...

till then, enjoy...........

i really need to post this entry.this is how i felt and i thank God that i found it. at least i found someone with the right word to express what i have been holding inside.

Thank you very much to you. 

been busy these few days...

finding time between my full time work & part time work is very hard. i'm working from 9am to 10pm everyday, and believe me, it is very tiring. i'm a bit stress as well, as i'm trying hard to gain weight but all seems futile. 

i've read somewhere saying that sleeping late will definitely makes you gain weight but, not for me. i've smoke less, even though there's no scientific evidence that's linking smoking with weight gain. guess i could blame it all on my high metabolism.

and i am a couch potato as well. everyday, i get to work, comes home, watch movies & sleeps in the wee hours. it's my everyday routine, which i find to be very accommodating and suits me well; although it does seems tiring and not to mention, limited sleeping time. 

my sweet other half would definitely be alarmed if he knows of my daily routine. he always worried if i didn't get enough rest or that i spent my resting time in front of my pc/tv and sleeps late.

whatever it is, this is how i'll continue on doing; at least before we're getting married. i bet, after that my lifestyle is going for a 360 degree turn. for now, though tired, i'm still happy doing things as i like.

is in the training room now, fighting hard my sleepiness and the coldness of this room...

why do i have to go to this training again, and alone????

if only my bf is here, he can easily warms me....

oh....concentrate....

it's training day...and i'm sleepy and cold....

browsing a dear friend's pix in fb really brought back old memories..and feeling nostalgic all of a sudden...looking back, i realized that it has been a long way to get to where i am now.. wonder where all the times has flown to...

the time of innocence, ignorance and being free....wish i could turn back time and enjoy life more, instead of being caught up in depression...

of course there's good and bad times in those memories....being with family, friends, fall in love, broke up, make up..everything had played part in the making of me today...

and look how i've grown in these years....from a shy young girl to an outspoken woman...guess all those experience really define a person to whom they are today..

well, i have to admit, being with nana, ejay, leny, syura, joe and yun has been one of the most exciting and best things that has happened in my life..they were a bunch of cool, crazy and wild friends that i really am grateful to be acquainted with. 

even though all of us has separated and had other friends, we are still in touch and always remembered our good old times together. thank you guys for being there and created all those sweet memories with me..

love you guys lots.....

eka putra, my sweet other half..

i will not reveal his real name here, out of respect as he would like to keep it private. i know i've said earlier that i did not put too much hope in this relationship, for fear that it will not last long. 

but as time pass by, i can't help but love him more for what he has done and for who he is. He had gone through hell just to get to me and i am really grateful that Allah S.W.T had send him to me. 

i know i had said over and over again that i don't deserve anything good in life but now, i really believe that second chance does exist and Allah the Almighty knows everything that we don't.

our relationship doesn't always sail smooths, just like any other couple and there's always ups and downs. but, thankfully, he's a real charmer. he's calm, collected, very patient, funny and very mature for his age.

he taught me what real love is and how it is to love someone as deeply as he did. he never once lose hope in me even when i lose hope in myself. never stopped loving me even when i'm clouded with my egoism and being self centered. what makes me touched even more is the fact that he left everything he had back in his hometown just to be with me. Even his mother had already given her blessing to us and always told me that she loves me every time we talked.

what more could i ask for from a man? he thinks really deep about everything and accept me as i am. and i do think i am blessed by having him beside me. i felt as if i don't have anything to fear as long as he's with me and felt like i don't need anything more. 

but of course, all couple in love would have said the same thing i said, rite?

well, whatever it is, i hope that this time, we will have a good ending and be happy together.