i hate you but i love you.......

seeing an entry like that, mostly people would think that it's about a lover, isn't it?? but, truthfully, it's about my family. my mother and my brothers particularly. i've enough headache thinking about them and this morning, my twin sis put some more into it. she's had a hard time living with my mom and my younger brother. i know how hard it is coz i've been through what she's been through now. maybe not in the same situation but i understood the feeling. i hate to think that she's suffering there and there's no way i could help. i even swore to myself, if i had enough money, i'll take her and her children and we'll leave this place for good. not coming back ever. not going to help them ever again. sure i would still continue to support my mom, even though she loves her sons more than us. what irritates me and breaking my heart even more is the fact that none of her sons had done anything for her. not even monthly support and they acts like we're the one who's living off our mother.

my brothers never saw us as their siblings, but rather a place to get money. whenever they ask for money, they want it, never asking how we were doing. never knew how tough our life is, coz what matters to them is, they'll get what they want. what to do?? it's the way they were raised. my mom would never say no to them. if we borrowed some money, she'll tell it to everybody, but when my brothers do, she'll act like nothing happens. wanna know why?? because she says that the prayer of a son worth more than a daughter. her sons are her responsibility, not her daughters. i have been surviving all by myself, works my ass off but never been asked whether i had problems getting on with my life. i never told my mom anything because i don't want to burden her. i gave everything for her, but what do i get?? nothing.

i'm sad, frustrated and angry. she would always backed her sons whenever there's a problem. but not us. and she would trust other people than us (me & my twin). it hurts me a lot. really. and she blames me for it. i can never told anybody bout it. i can never told a soul how hard life is for me. and my heart is aching more and more.

come to think about it, my twin sis & i have always been like an outsider, like an outcast. do you know how it felt like when your sister act like she doesn't know you whenever you bump into each other at school?? we did. we never asks any of our friend to come over to our house, not once, but they never asks us why. instead, they make their own assumptions and accuses us for being ashamed of our family. if only they know why.

we were never matters to our family. our well being never been given second thought. it's all about the others. i wonder why they had us when we do not matter to them?? my childhood was a nightmare. and i grew up being like this. full of bitter, angry, sad and frustrated. that is why, i want to forget about everything and live the rest of my life at a place where nobody knows me. i want to live quietly and never want to think of those of didn't even give a damn about me.

i swear, i will get the hell out of here, and i'll never turn back....